Looking back at 21

Thrashing against the repetition: rocks against waves

against rocks

I was thrown out of this wet possibility, hurled onto a solid surface

eating sand over and over

Every few weeks hurt:

Once in awhile a morning would be especially buoyant

sending me into fanatical floating, ecstatic at the new ease

The next morning might be equally light and easy

drifting in through my curtains as a welcome visitor

propelling me toward positivity

Until the night that lasted two hours too long

and I had to hold myself together at every second

melting into the floor, melting out of skin

Then in the morning the sun is claustrophobic with its smothering warmth

Jagged edges reach out to my tender exhaustion

every misstep of the day brings me closer to the imposing

cliff’s edge; waves growing monstrous and maniacal

At the mercy of everything that is uncontrollable,

I dissolved under my unmet expectations

Nothing was turning out as I had hoped

and I was still swimming so so hard.

Since then I have seen the wavs retreat under the full moon

and I know this abatement will always come–

no matter how often I still slam into the rocks.

I have finally begun to see the patterns

of my arm and leg movements, of the inhaling and exhaling tide

I am learning to maneuver these systems–

learning both myself and this ocean inside and out.

Image sourced from Pinterest, Artist: Lorenzo Gritti